Having been oh-so-very tempted to post another blog entry about my sister (this one not embarrassing but rather dear, all things considered), I decided to shake things up a bit and pose a question to you, my invisible gang of orphans and thieves. Wait, is there a question? Yes, it shall come hence. Let’s call this entry, Things I Would Not Ever Do:
1. I would never, under the direst of circumstances, attach a bumper sticker to my car that read: Been There, Done That, Loved It. This is one of virtually all bumper stickers which shall remain excluded from my life, save this single gem: a white background, a minimal silhouette of Bob Dylan, and the words, I Brake Just Like A Little Girl. Props must be given where props are deserved.
2. I would not have an affair with a married former Presidential candidate whose future remains bright, particularly when one adds that prickly, “And his beloved, brilliant, more worthy than he is wife is dying of cancer,” detail.
3. I would never, if possible, put myself in the position where I might fall down a mineshaft.
4. Here’s a simple one: I will never die by drowning, and I’ll tell you how I know. I don’t get in the water, and one need not study logic to see the connection between the two.
5. Ditto, eaten by sharks.
6. I would die by drowning before I would eat a certain little devil smear called ‘mustard.’ Also raw onions belong in gardens and nowhere else.
7. Now that I have grown old and have the option of wearing my trousers rolled, I have taken a vow against spending time with boring people. I don’t want to harm them, or spray them with smallpox, I simply want them to remain at home in front of their televisions, unthinking their unthoughts without me.
8. The supercool trend of methamphetamine: not for me. Oh, it has its benefits, like rapid weight loss and psychosis, along with a mouth full of crumbling teeth, but for Haven? I can’t see it.
9. I don’t watch television, and you can’t tease me, you can’t shame me, you can’t force me, I’m not bending; so if you’re tempted just hang it up, bro. That ship sailed long ago.
10. I would never adorn such a thing as a ‘sweat-suit,’ sometimes also called a ‘track-suit,’ and I refer to the kind made of velvet and designed by designers; I would never put on my body any color in the spectrum of ‘neon,’ nor wear sneakers in public, although I am not averse to going anywhere in my pajamas.
11. Speaking of these things, I find the word of ‘fashion’ insanely laughable, and every year I look at the collections and see things that are beautiful and many that appear to be have been designed by a person who has lost half his brain to unrelenting seizures. In addition, I believe Karl Lagerfeld to be the most odious human being alive, even though he is dead, and if you have not read David Rakoff’s flawless, insanely genius, single paragraph about KL’s nasty rotting ego in Don’t Get Too Comfortable, you have missed what prose is still capable of. And also Anna Wintour? You know how everyone is intimidated and terrorized by you and your little dolly haircut? If we were in a dark alley and you were pointing a semi-automatic .9 millimeter Glock at my face, I would see nothing, absolutely nothing standing there.
12. I have and will continue to base my life on the strangest of quotations. This was nearly 20 years ago, and the whole Woody Allen/Mia Farrow debacle had just broken like a tsunami upon an innocent village. I alone believed that we could not know the whole story – that what happens in a relationship and a home is a mystery never to be revealed. So I never took a position of judgment against any of them, and will not, to this day. I was sitting in a doctor’s office and the nasty split was the cover of Newsweek. Allen was interviewed, and he was asked, “What do you say to the people who insist you will never work in this town again?” And Woody laughed aloud, heartily, and said, “There isn’t a person alive who can keep me from working.” And that is the truth, regardless of your medium, your city, your disaster, your wealth. There is not a person alive who can keep you from working.
Okay, your turn. I started out with things I’d never do and devolved into something else which is entirely typical and I can’t even apologize. Sorry.